Healing From Abuse

It wasn’t until I was sexually assaulted in high school, that I began having flashbacks of the abuse I endured as a child. I thought I was going crazy, there’s no way that happened to me, so where were these horrible memories coming from? I started drinking and smoking marijuana to try and forget about the instances of abuse. I was a GOOD kid and student, but my new coping mechanisms ended up landing me in trouble at school and with the law, resulting in the loss of the majority of my friends. The adults in my life said I was going through a rebellious phase; little did they know I was just trying to block out trauma they had no idea took place. I didn’t want to tell anyone because talking about it would make it real. I had never felt more alone or outcasted in that time, when all I needed was someone to listen. Someone to care.

When I became pregnant, I started seeing a therapist in an attempt to get my mental and emotional health under control before becoming a parent. With the help of my therapist, we worked on uncovering all the memories I worked so hard at repressing for so many years. During my time in counseling, I heard about this 4 day getaway for childhood sexual abuse survivors in the gorgeous mountains of northern Utah, The Haven Retreat. I was intrigued and spent a couple of weeks debating whether I should apply or not, before finally deciding I would.

My application was quickly accepted and I got assigned an attendance date for a few months later, but the closer it got, the more I panicked. I let my anxiety take over and talk me out of going. I brushed it off and convinced myself I was “healed enough,” so I shouldn’t take up a spot that someone more “deserving” should have instead. Months later I ended up reapplying, again getting accepted and assigned a date. Once again, the closer it got, the more excuses I made on why I shouldn't or couldn't go. With the help and tough loving pushes from family members, I went... And it was the best decision I have ever made. 

This was hands down, one of the most amazing weeks of my life. I learned so much about how childhood abuse affects the mind, even carrying on into adult life. I learned why brains so often repress the memories of childhood abuse, and that is because they are too painful to think about. I blamed myself for many years for not remembering, but the retreat taught me how normal that was. I learned about forgiveness, mindfulness, and most importantly, I came to the realization that what happened to me, was. not. my. fault.

There was a gourmet culinary team there the entire time, preparing our every (delicious) meal and reminding us that we aren’t to scrub a single dish. We were pampered beyond belief, receiving massages from massage therapists nightly, getting a makeover and photoshoot (where the beautiful pictures in this post are from). The staff was absolutely amazing and some of the kindest people I have ever met, always there to answer any question and do anything to help make our stay there more comfortable. 

I met and befriended so many amazing, strong, and intelligent women attending, who will be lifelong sisters to me. We were all there for the same horrible reason, but we came together and formed beautiful and strong relationships. I quickly realized that everything happens for a reason, and was glad that I bailed on going the first time, because I was meant to be at that specific retreat, with everyone who was there at the same time.

 

The Haven retreat changed my life and I want everyone who has experienced such trauma to attend for themselves. If you are even the slightest bit interested in going- do it. Apply right this second before you can talk yourself out of it. It will be one of the best things you could ever do for yourself. You can always message me privately if you have questions or just need someone to talk to. 

 

https://youniquefoundation.org/the-haven-retreat/